“I’ve been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you, but time makes you bolder even children get older and I’m getting older too.”
This song fits so perfectly with my story because I started smoking at fourteen while still a child and have lived over half my life as a smoker. I would wake up every day and plan everything around smoke breaks. I looked forward to them and got pissed when they were delayed. If I was having a shitty day the one thing that could turn it all around, or so I believed was having a sweet, sweet smoke.
But here’s the thing I am getting older and smoking half a pack a day at at thirty makes you feel a lot more of a hag than smoking a whole pack a day did at twenty. Add to that the toll it takes on your face and energy. I may be getting older but I’m still young, I shouldn’t get winded after playing on the playground with the kiddo for five minutes. I should’t get constant headaches from not drinking enough water and smoking too much. I shouldn’t choose to smoke at lunchtime instead of feeding myself and come home hangry from work. I’ve always considered myself bold and nows the time to put up or shut up. I know this, it takes a landslide. The very earth beneath your feet has to move in order to root out something thats been putting down roots for seventeen years. When you look at it that way you see it can be an opportunity to turn your whole life around.
When you remove the central focus of your life it leaves a vacuum. A void that in the past I filled with depression and despair and I inevitably I went back to smoking, to save myself from what seemed like the more immediate threat.
The key to my success so far this time around is that I’ve filled the void with changes I’ve always wanted to make anyway. I drink water constantly and suck on vitamin c drops in the car. I get up early with my hubby to eat breakfast and work out instead of getting a morning smoke in. On breaks at work I eat veggies, fruit and nuts and suck down even more water. In my head I worked up to quitting by reminding myself of all the ways smoking was making my life worse and now I meditate on the opposite.
Wouldn’t you know it, everything in my life is actually better because I don’t smoke! Even more amazing the sky didn’t fall, my personality didn’t collapse, I didn’t turn into a raving bitch and my smoker friends still think I’m fun. Goes to show what crazy lies we tell ourselves when we really don’t want to change.