Yes, “Let It Go.” Not just an overplayed song from one of the most popular Disney Movies ever, but also a rather clever turn a phrase that has been apropos for many an occasion.
However–even though I just helped Lollipop put on her “Frozen Winter Ball” barely a week ago–I am not talking about that particular interpretation. I’m not talking about awesome ice powers, although it would be cool! I am not talking about letting go of something that you have been hiding and suppressing for far too many years, and raining it down on people with fairly tragic results. If I were to equate my “ness” with Elsa’s powers, then yeah….tragic would just about cover it.
No, in this case, I am talking about simply letting it go. Stop trying to keep a lid on it, stamping it down and burying it–only to have something trigger it and have it flung at unintended victims who usually only have a very small part in that original hurt.
I am an angry person. I am a grudge holder. I am so full of hurt, pain, and anguish at the injustice of what we call existence, that it still surprises me when someone accuses me of being “such a nice person.” If you have read any of my previous blog posts, then you have an inkling as to why this is so. But even I can admit that my biggest problem is love–love lost, unrequited love, the death of a loved one, not receiving as much as I give…yup.
I am also a Leo, a lion. One of the biggest things a Leo has in common with their real-life counterpart? Pride. Of course, I wish it was like the animal kingdom, and I just got to love and protect my family and homies while I laze about in a field all day…but no. Leo’s are loyal and protective, but they are also vain and sensitive. When someone hurts my feelings, they hurt my pride–in my old age, my vanity is not as secure as it used to be. Instinctively, I want to either rage at them or never speak to them again, until they allow me to rage at them and I am 100% sure they not only understand my reasoning, but they fully admit to being in the wrong. The whole, “I’m right, you’re wrong!” mentality.
However, that is what this entire “Dissecting Understanding” section is about…why there are so many misunderstandings, and why we should let it go even though we may be so sure that we are right. We are all different. We are all going through our own tragedy. We all perceive the world through different eyes, and therefore we will never honestly be on the same page. It shouldn’t be a cause for alarm, it should be celebrated. My mama always liked that saying about how boring it would be if we were all the same. I mean, what would the internet be with debate and ridicule (haha, I wish we could live without debate and ridicule!) The point is though, that we are all different, unique, beautiful, and right in our own way–and the world would be frighteningly dull if it were otherwise.
2015 has been a year of learning for me. A year of forgiveness. It started with forgiving “the one who hurt me the most.” No, he did not let me say all that I wanted to say, nor let me rage at him until he admitted that I was right and he was wrong. Nope. It just so happened that I got into an argument with his brother, and his response to my raging was such that it made me re-question everything. He cracked a joke about my rage–long enough after so as not to anger me further, haha–by showing me a meme of a giant ream of paper with a title that said something like: “What’s wrong, Part I…” Haha! Yes, my 47-part angry text message had no affect on him whatsoever. He actually had the audacity to say, “I didn’t read it. I’m not that guy…” Now for some of my friends, that response classified him as the worst kind of person, hahaha. But for me, it triggered a kind of acceptance.
He really is “not that guy.” He isn’t wired that way, and neither is his brother. There was no possible way that I would ever fully get my feelings across to them. And, seeing as I know their father, it’s not going to change. So it came down to, did I want these two out of my life? No, I didn’t. I mean, they cannot really get out anyway–we have too much history. Like they have tattoos for my mother, type of history. Now I could ignore them and hate on them whenever they came around, but that didn’t make sense either. Turns out, when I let the anger and the hurt go, I supremely enjoy their company. I love them, and we are a weird sort of family that I don’t want to lose…
Since then, several old hurts have suddenly reappeared in my life. It has really been a will tester. I mean, I said I’d let it go for “family,” but what about these guys? Are they “family,” friends, or just persons of interest at one point in my life? Do I want to forgive them? Well, that question I answered with a, “Yes!” But the next question would be, do I want them to stay in my life? The answer to this question differed between all of them.
One, I accept that he is the way that he is–a critical, judgmental, a-hole who has always seen the glass half-full and that the person who poured it is obviously an idiot. That being said, I have faith that he could change his perspective and go on to have a very happy life, if he chose to do so. But we will never move beyond this level of friendship (which is pretty bare minimum) because he does do more harm than good in my own life. I want him to have a better life, but I cannot change his life for him. However, I forgive him, and he no longer has that power over me. He also does not have the power to guilt trip me into doing what he wants. Being the giant push-over that I am, I have decided the best approach to reigning that quality in, is to ask myself, “Will I allow this person to guilt trip me? Do they deserve it?” It has been working so far…
Two, I forgave her, a couple of times, hahaha!! This particular friend is a lot to handle; but I think that her and I can work it out. She is an energetic ball of pure sunshine (until the storm comes) that will make it her life’s mission to make sure you are out there having a good time. How can you not want someone like that in your life?
Three, I forgave, but he is not in my life.
Four…well that is the hardest one. And probably the most important one. He is the first of my major grudges….if I forgive him, all of the other grudges will be forced to fall apart. There would no longer be a “What’s Wrong Part I…” The flipside to that coin is, if I forgive him, I could love him, which of course scares the hell out of me! Four is still recent, still confusing, still secret, but is probably teaching me the most.
See, that is the thing about grudges and resentment–there is already a layer of emotional debris that is compounded upon with every new heartbreak. Anything even similar to the original is added to the pile, and suddenly you are seeing patterns everywhere. “All men/women are the same.” <—is probably a better reaction than mine—->”This is your fate. You don’t deserve more.” Either way, it is a perfect set-up for failure. Like most self-fulfilling prophecies, stuff usually turns out the way you intend for it to. And I mean that in the deep metaphysical sense, not the lies we tell the front of the brain to keep our heart from speaking it’s piece.
I am always on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next person to screw me over–probably in the exact same way that they, or someone like them, has done before. Well, I’m over it.
My New Year’s Resolution is to “Let It Go.” Let go of the past. Let go of the pain, the hurts, the loss, the arrogance, the anger, and most especially the fear. Fear holds me back a lot. Fear of rejection, death (of others, not my own), unknown, fear of looking like an idiot. But the fear is there because of my past and because I am holding onto it. This cycle has to break at some point. So, 2016–> 16=1+6=7, the faith and truth seeker. Sounds like a great year to come to terms!!!
Happy New Year!!!