I have recently come to realize that some pity parties really annoy me, “But Funky, how can you say that! What about What’s Wrong With Me? or The Abyss? Those are your pity party blogs!” Yes, I know. I do get down and out quite a bit, but here’s the thing…I’m still happy. Yes, I have been single for a decade, I have watched my mother die, held my pooch as she died in my arms, and seen more pain that should be allowed…but I am still happy! I can say that with honesty.
Now, I am a Leo, and according to my Sagittarius brother, Leos are zodically inclined to be big bad complainers. Now I do like to complain….but I hate complaining about the same thing over and over again. With my girlfriend’s, they actually listen, so I don’t have to rehash an event over and over. Not so much the case with my boys….so in trying to explain myself to them, I feel as if I get a little redundant.
But what really pushes my buttons? What really grinds my gears and makes me want to throw my own pity party? Listening to someone else’s who really have nothing to complain about (on the whole grand scheme of things), most especially if they are displaying suicidal tendencies. Or if their pity party is nothing but self-pity over circumstances that they had caused themselves. Or if they are just too dang blind to see their own blessings.
See, I know without a doubt, that despite all of the horrors that I have seen, my life is GOOD! I know without a doubt, that there are hundreds of people out there who have it worse! When someone shares a pathetic pity story with me, I practically scream my story at them–“Deal with that and tell me how much you want to die!!”
Sometimes, the person is seemingly inspired by my story…which I am unsure of how I should feel about that. “If she can live through all that…” Like I have a choice…
Other times, they throw it back in my face. “How can you complain about my pity party by throwing your own?” Which I agree, it sounds silly even to me. What I cannot stand is, after hearing my story, “Well if you hate yourself so much…”
This got me a’thinking…do I come across as a self-hater? If I do, then I want to assure you that I am not. Sure, I may have self-doubt and question myself quite frequently–but this is purely based on the fear of peer-perception. I mainly worry that I have an arrogant and pretentious view of myself. That I really don’t come across in the real world, the way that I do in my own mind. I probably do think too highly of myself, but I think that is better than being self-deprecating, hahaha! And every time I do start to question myself, too many friends are quick to argue my negative tone. To the point that I feel like a jerk for even trying to doubt myself. I guess on that note, I also don’t like to anger my friends, and if they say that I am sweet, and beautiful, and amazing, and they love me–who am I to question them? Especially if they are going to bite my head off?
Good tip to remember–if you are full of self-doubt, and you go to a friend to complain about yourself, if they say that you are awesome, listen to them! Don’t argue!
I guess that is another part of the pathetic pity party that I cannot abide by–the refusal to listen to the good things. The continuation of focusing on the negative. I also admit that I am guilty of this as well….I focus on the fates being against me, a lot. I focus on the fact that those who die actually get the better end of the deal, it’s those of us left behind that have to learn how to survive. So am I being a hypocrite to those who have it bad, but not so bad as me?
I think that I am, a little.
So here is what I am going to take from this:
- I don’t know everything that has happened in their life, so I cannot make the judgement as to whether or not their pity party is deserving.
- Just because someone has not seen the horrors that I have seen, it does not lessen the degree of their own pain. Envy them instead for having it easy. (hahaha!)
- I cannot control how they feel. Just because I tell them my story, or try to reassure them that they are awesome, loved and cared for–I am not in control of changing their mind.
- I cannot save everyone. Either I believe that everything happens for a reason, or I don’t. And making myself crazy, taking on another’s pain as my own, will not save them either…nor will it help my own psyche.
- If someone doesn’t want to hear my pain, then I don’t want that to affect me. I can still be friend’s with that person without them knowing all of my idiosyncrasies. (Although, as Lollipop pointed out, I use my pain as a security blanket–lay it all out there right away so that you can decide to stay or go. Staying is more fun! Just saying!!)
- Lastly, maybe I am fairly unique in the sense that I can be serenely happy and still pray for death. I enjoy life every day, even though I think that it is totally unfair, that I am not as strong as the “powers that be” think that I am. I recognize my blessings, and I am in the situation that I choose to be in. I am not “stagnate” in my hometown, I chose to move back, and I am choosing to stay. I see that maybe being single because I live at home with my dad to take care of him and so he won’t be alone; is okay. That being the “strong one,” the “rock,” of the family is a title I should wear with pride; not treat it like a burden. That all of my people love me, but won’t be with me, because they do love me that much, and they know that I can be rather cold once you’ve broken my trust. This too is a blessing, not a curse.
It is all in the way that you look at it. And like I have said before, the only thing you can control is you. So, I am going to make a conscious effort to not fling my pain in other’s faces. To try not to get angry at people who refuse to see the goodness in their own lives. To try and share my pain in a positive manner, not angrily.